To be honest, there are two things you need to fix. Firstly, the use of punctuation for some of the dialogues, it'd be better if you insert commas.
Secondly, you always repeating the action but also including it in your dialogue e.g. He sighed. "Sigh..."
In this situation, if you already wrote the character's action, you don't need to express it in the dialogue because readers could tell the character was sighing
You asked for honest feedback, so I have been quite candid in this review. This does not mean I did not enjoy your story, or finds it immensely lacking. I am simply trying to help you progress by giving you some pointers.
Firstly, your dialogue comes across as wooden and unnatural. I believe it would help if didn’t put as much exposition in your dialogue.
Secondly, there is an absence of rhythm in your writing. I miss a cadence when reading your story. It does not necessarily withhold me from immersing myself, but it would help pull in your reader.
Lastly, and this one is more personal, but as a reader I wish for more texture. What are the surroundings like? How is the air? Does it smell? Is it clear? Is the sun blinding to the eyes?
I want to feel like I am there with you characters. Give me the cracks in the pavement and the chipped paint of shop signs. Give me the feel of the wind and the smell of spices in the air. That’s what transforms a story from good, to great. And that’s what pulls in your reader.
Overall, I believe this story has a lot of potential. It has a clear storyline with good characters, and writing. Well done!
The story follows an evil MC, which is my kind of thing.
This genre is quickly becoming popular as the plethora of cookie cutter goody two shoes MCs are becoming stale fast.
The author does a good job of portraying the evil acts committed by the MC as being logical and driven by personal gains and not as being cartoonishly evil.
This makes the reader question what is right and what is correct, is a act driven by self interest right even if it's not always morally correct?
I personally can't wait to follow Ying Zheng on his journey.
PS. Also the *snafu* *snafu* are quite hot
Hey, I am the author of the book, and I would like to shamelessly promote my book.
The protagonist in the novel is an evil mc and will get a lot of character development in the future
Amazing book love the writer's amazing how much I love the idea of a new era of villains and the updating speed is amazing and I love it keep up the good work
This is the author's second account as you can tell I post dark mtl novels on this account with 5 chapters a day forgive my shamelessness for giving myself 5stars while it deserves 1 star
Popular Reviews
Secondly, you always repeating the action but also including it in your dialogue e.g. He sighed. "Sigh..."
In this situation, if you already wrote the character's action, you don't need to express it in the dialogue because readers could tell the character was sighing
Firstly, your dialogue comes across as wooden and unnatural. I believe it would help if didn’t put as much exposition in your dialogue.
Secondly, there is an absence of rhythm in your writing. I miss a cadence when reading your story. It does not necessarily withhold me from immersing myself, but it would help pull in your reader.
Lastly, and this one is more personal, but as a reader I wish for more texture. What are the surroundings like? How is the air? Does it smell? Is it clear? Is the sun blinding to the eyes?
I want to feel like I am there with you characters. Give me the cracks in the pavement and the chipped paint of shop signs. Give me the feel of the wind and the smell of spices in the air. That’s what transforms a story from good, to great. And that’s what pulls in your reader.
Overall, I believe this story has a lot of potential. It has a clear storyline with good characters, and writing. Well done!
This genre is quickly becoming popular as the plethora of cookie cutter goody two shoes MCs are becoming stale fast.
The author does a good job of portraying the evil acts committed by the MC as being logical and driven by personal gains and not as being cartoonishly evil.
This makes the reader question what is right and what is correct, is a act driven by self interest right even if it's not always morally correct?
I personally can't wait to follow Ying Zheng on his journey.
PS. Also the *snafu* *snafu* are quite hot
The protagonist in the novel is an evil mc and will get a lot of character development in the future