Okay, first things first, I'm no author nor am I an expert but as a reader, the grammatical errors and poor sentence structure leads to me being unable to picture the scene.
Even just a quick run through from a fluent English speaker would significantly help, but I feel that without those errors this story will be an interesting read.
Also, I am not sure what the terminology used for this us, but stating who is the current speaker, current POV and seperating different characters' speech.
For example, instead of a paragraph looking like:
"And that's the plan right" "yeah, perfect"
it'd probably be much easier to understand like:
John anxiously questioned Bill for the nth time, "And that's the plan right?"
"Yeah yeah," Bill reassured, "it's perfect."
And also at the beginning of each perspective change label who is talking:
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Sorry mate maybe rewrite or use Better Translator
Even just a quick run through from a fluent English speaker would significantly help, but I feel that without those errors this story will be an interesting read.
Also, I am not sure what the terminology used for this us, but stating who is the current speaker, current POV and seperating different characters' speech.
For example, instead of a paragraph looking like:
"And that's the plan right" "yeah, perfect"
it'd probably be much easier to understand like:
John anxiously questioned Bill for the nth time, "And that's the plan right?"
"Yeah yeah," Bill reassured, "it's perfect."
And also at the beginning of each perspective change label who is talking:
-----John POV-----